Buying a Cel Phone in Hong Kong

So you have decided to get a cel phone, and boy are you in the right place. Hong Kong has one of the highest per-capita cel phone users in the world, and thousands of handsets to choose from. There are hundreds of reputable shops offering rock bottom prices on state of the art handsets, all with a full international warranty and a money back guarantee.

Step 1. Selecting the phone.

You will be talking on your mobile for several hours each day, often to the person sitting across the table from you. Make sure the phone you purchase is as small, fragile, and difficult to hold as possible. In particular make sure the phone has buttons so small that it is impossible to press only one at a time. Pressing several buttons at the same time dramatically reduces the time required to dial a number.

It is also wise to plan for the unlikely event that you might spend part of your day without someone to talk to on your cel phone. Make sure that your phone is packed with lots of games. These can use to relieve the boredom if you have finished reading your comics. It is best if these games make a lot of loud noises so that everyone in the same MTR carriage can enjoy them with you.

REMEMBER: Extra points are awarded for any phone that has a Hello Kitty operator logo, screen saver, or picture on the housing.

Step 2. Using your new phone
Dialling A Number:
Dialling is the most important part of having a cel phone. If you don't call all your friends to tell them your number, then your phone will lie embarrassingly silent next to your plate during meals. Although the keypad appears very similar to a home phone it must be operated in a special way. As your phone has very small buttons it is important to concentrate on them when dialling. If you are walking it is best to slow down to a shuffle when placing a call. The best place to do this is while getting off the MTR, or an escalator.

Talking on The Phone:
Your phone works by converting your voice into an electrical waveform, digitising it, amplifying the signal, and transmitting it via radio waves. The stronger the input the less power required for the amplifier. Shout as loudly as possible in order to conserve the battery.
As previously mentioned your phone is a digital device. Transmitting data in digital form allows you to transmit an error free perfect copy of the of the original signal, which is far superior to analogue transmission. This is why your phone will chirp, sproing, and cut out on a regular basis.

In order to cope with these problems you will need to add an additional layer of communication control. The most common used the Hong Kong Telecommunications Handshaking Protocol, as defined in RFC 70053R. The relevant excerpt is quoted below:

In order to confirm that the call is still connected, each sentence must be acknowledged by the receiving party. Acceptable acknowledgement signals are: "ugh", "ogh", "ha", and "mm".
If an acknowledgement signal is not received with 500 milliseconds then an Emergency Retrain Signal must be issued. This signal must be issued in the format "Wei! Wei! Wei!". This should be retransmitted at 1500 milliseconds intervals for 30 seconds, or until acknowledgement of the emergency retrain signal is received.
If the conversation can not be restarted then the Failure Acknowledgement Signal should be issued in the format "d'yu!".

The main cause of Emergency Retrain Signals is poor reception. To improve reception extend your phones antenna. If your phone does not have an antenna, or if the antenna is already fully extended, then extend your elbow instead. You may also wish to reposition yourself to an area with better reception. The best reception is usually obtained in the middle of a crowded walk way, or at the bottom of an escalator or stairs. Note that it is critical that you remain completely motionless while in these areas in order to achieve optimum reception.

Answering The Phone:
Once you have given your new number to all your friends you will start to receive calls. They will be very curious to know "Is your phone on?", "Are you answering your phone?", "Where are you with your phone", "How is your phone working?", "Has anything changed in the last five minutes?" and other important things which they were never able to ask you before. Your phone should have a button with a green label which you can use for answering calls.
Before these calls start pouring in there are a few things you need to setup on your phone. Most phones come with a vibration alert feature, which can be used instead of a ringer. If you phone has this option make sure it is switched OFF. No one will know you are receiving an important call if only you can feel the vibration. Your phone offers dozens of pleasant ring tones that can be used instead. Be sure to review this list. Listen to it several times in order to select one that can inflict the optimum damage on the auditory nerve. Listen to these ring tones on the MTR or in a restaurant so that you can get feedback from others. Last, but not least, once you have selected the tone, make sure it is set for maximum volume.

You are now ready to receive calls, but don't be too hasty. When you hear your ringer blast wait 15-20 seconds to see if someone else answers it first. Odds are that several other people in your immediate vicinity also have selected Hello Kitty' Christmas Special as their ring tone. Don't jump to the hasty conclusion that just because you hear that song that it's your phone that is ringing.

Accessories:
Once you have learned how to use your phone you will want to accessorise. The possibilities are limitless. There are Hello Kitty covers, Hello Kitty pouches, Hello Kitty neck straps, Hello Kitty flashing antennae, Hello Kitty headsets, just to name a few.

Testing the phone:
Finally the moment of truth has come, and you are ready to receive your first call. You've rung all your friends of told them to call you back. Now pick a nice quiet place for the initiation. The restaurant where you tested all the ring tones will probably do well. Place the object of worship in the centre of the table. You, and those you have chosen to share this sacred moment with, should seat yourself around the table and await the event. If it doesn't ring within a few minutes, have one of your friends at the table with you ring you on her cel phone.

Using the phone:
You can enjoy the phone throughout the course of the evening. This is not your mothers house. Talking on the phone with your mouth full is encouraged, even required in some restaurants. Enjoy the social interaction of a meal with friends by playing snakes while slurping your soup. As with any electrical device, it should not be operated once you reach your alcohol saturation level of a 1/2 pint of Carlsberg.